Stupid Cupid?

The cupid in question: The New York Times

The artifact in question: Amazon Prime’s ‘Modern Love’ series based on the New York Times’ ‘Modern Love’ column

I love NYC.

Who doesn’t? It’s a requirement of American coolness. If you don’t, you might be taken for a swamp thing or from another planet. Right? Tell me?

BUT.

I just finished watching the 5th episode of ‘Amazon’s ‘Modern Love’ series, as I was saying. And guess what? EVERY story is set in New York City. Every character, every mojo, every affect, every quirk — all NYC. Without exception.

Granted, maybe episodes 6 and 7 will be set in Oxford, Mississippi and Makati City, the Phillippines (the world capital of selfie-taking for those of y’all ignorant New Yorkers who didn’t know, all y’all). But secretly, I doubt that. Because why? Because — newsflash, you ignoran’ chillun — the only place in the world that matters (if you ask the New York Times and New Yorkers) is …… you guessed it.

So you see, the rest of us who don’t read our New York Times where Spiderman does are loving disgustingly, primitively, uselessly. I mean, are we even awake? Evolving? Modern? Alive?

I mean, let’s get real here: it’s not clear people who live in Minnesota or South Carolina even have love lives or (in Prairie home companion land) sex at all. (Sorry, you are from NYC and you don’t know what those names mean? Sure, honey, those are two other STATES, of the United States of America. You know? You ever hear about that place, the ‘United StateS’? Honeybaby?)

Heck, in Wilmington and Juneau they’re probably still clubbing their women with legs of elk when dinner is late. And of course, the women in Chicago and Grand Rapids probably can’t run away fast enough because they always dress in bulky sweats and don’t spin.

Other countries? Don’t even talk to me.

How can they have Modern Love? They haven’t even given the world a reality-Tv host and realtor-in-chief who thinks the kidney is in the heart. I’m sure there’s a lot of modern loving going on in his man cave, though.

So, New York. Hey there, buddy. All I can say is, I’m so glad you’re so modern and loving so good. But it’s time to get a little less provincial, wouldn’t you say?

Come on! Live dangerously! Make the next story be about a couple — any race, gender, or species — in Lusaka, or Cleveland! (Okay, look those up yourself, I’m not doing it for you this time!